Change Your Stories

Lately I've been feeling well, disconnected, depressed, unfocused.  Things are actually better in my life than they've been for awhile.  All my kids are doing great.  My husband is doing great.  What is my problem?  I think that we get into mental habits that aren't healthy.  I've stopped and paid attention to my thoughts in the last few days.  What am I thinking about? What are the stories I'm telling myself.  You realize that most of the stories we tell ourselves about our lives aren't even true.  We see things from our perception of reality that many times isn't quite right.  Time changes how we see the events of our lives and how we interpret them.  So, we make up these stories and put them on repeat in our brains.

As I've actually looked at the thoughts I've had over the last few months and even years, it is no wonder I've been stuck in a not so healthy emotional state.  These thoughts start small and they gain traction with the energy we put into them.  They can be about our weight, health, relationships, career, money, really anything.  

To be honest when I really assess my thoughts I am amazed at my own lack of disciple in this area.  No wonder I've been more unhappy than any other time in my life.  These stories are freakin' depressing!  Why have I stayed in this mental fog for so long?  Habit, comfort, denial, avoidance?  Probably all of those and some I haven't thought of yet.  Possibly avoiding the real self work I need to do to change my life.  Yes, that sadly is probably the biggest reason.  Change is hard and most of us don't like to engage in it.  Even if we are not in a good place we get comfortable there.  

So this week I am actively working on my thoughts and changing the stories I'm telling myself about me and my life.  First, I'll look at the 2 most prominent thought patterns or stories I've been fixated on.  I'm going to journal about them and change the way I look at them.  I'll look at the story and ask how much of it is really true.  Now I'll rethink it and change how I see it in a positive way.  

The other thing that helps so much if you're feeling like me is to listen to things that make you feel good.  YouTube and Podcasts and Audible are my favorites.  Listening to good things that interest you, changes your brain patterns.  I've committed to daily exercise and better eating habits.  As I've started this I'm shocked at what a difference it makes. My mind feels clearer like I'm coming out of a fog.  I feel excited about life again.  

Do not underestimate the power of your thoughts.  They are the most powerful thing in your life!  Do the work to change the way you think, and everything will change.

Trust Your Instincts

This last week I've been trying to decide between a couple of ideas I have.  I realized that in making decisions I always ask several people what they think. While this may be a good idea at times, I've decided something.  I think most of the time you have to listen to your heart.  Don't ask anybody what they think.  Do what seems right to you.  I have been swayed so many times to abandon an idea or change it because of someone else's opinion.  When really I have great ideas and intuition.

Also, don't be influenced by others comments about your passions or projects.  They are seeing things through their eyes, not yours.  What may seem silly or a waste of time to them, may be exactly what you need to do.  No one has the right to judge what is right for you.

This is a hard habit to break.  Tune into when someone is raining on your parade.  Pay attention to negative vibes someone is giving you about your idea or plan.  Of course feedback is helpful at times, but trust your own instincts.  Be confident with what ideas come to you.

Be aware of when you are doing the same thing to others.  Be positive and encouraging, even if you think they are off track.  They will figure it out on their own.  I think we all need to support each other in our differences and celebrate them, instead of trying to squash them.

Finding My Passion

So here I am thinking about my passions.  As I enter a new phase of my life I want to figure out what makes me tick.  What makes me excited to get up in the morning. What do I want to spend the rest of my life doing.  I have always thought in terms of what would make money.  I realize that I probably don't have to make money because everyone in my family is better at that than me.  With any luck they will feed and house me so I can do what I want.  (Well, that's my plan anyway.:))

I am going to spend some real time gathering pictures of all the things that interest me most and start narrowing it down.  I get bored real quick so I have to love love what I do or I'll loose interest.  I think I'll start on Pinterest as that's a fun place to find images.  It's either that or buying tons of magazines or using tons of printer ink to print things and that's just gonna make Carlos crazy.  (Very stingy man with his ink.)  So Pinterest seems like a good idea for this project.

I read in a book Big Magic, that your interests are your clue.  So, what am I interested in?  I'll let you know!  Comment below if you want to do this with me!

Transformation

This blog is going to be about taking back my happiness.  I will tell the story in my way and in my words.  I have learned so much in the last few years.  I won’t share this on social media.  If you find this then I hope you will get something from it.  The reason I’m not sharing this is because I want to write without worrying what my family or friends think.   It’s easier for me to be honest this way.

As I start my transformation I am realizing so many things about myself.  I realize that my happiness is in my hands and my hands only.  For too long I’ve looked to others to make me happy.  I’ve put all my hopes and dreams in other people’s hands. I thought my husband and my kids would make me happy.  That their actions and choices would show how wonderful I was, or make my life worth it, or show that I was worthy.

As I have experienced the loss of everything I thought my life and family would be, I have been so lost.  Feeling disconnected from what I felt so connected to all my life.  When you have this picture of what your life will be and if you do certain things life will turn out a certain way and then it doesn’t  it is so devastating  and confusing.  I guess lost is the right word.  

Maybe all this has happened to help me finally see me.  With so much of what I had hoped for gone, it is helping me see me for maybe the first time in my life.  What do I want? How do I feel?  What am I capable of? What do I want the rest of my life to be like? Perhaps I have lived my life pleasing others.  Trying to not be my Mother’s daughter. Trying to compensate for the shame I felt as a little girl.  I think I’ve been running from that all my life. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and that has affected more of my life than I ever wanted to admit.

So as  my idea of the perfect family and marriage and life crumbles, I’m forced to make sense of it. Don’t worry, no one has died, just my vision of what things would look like have.  As I dig myself out of the depression I have been in for the last several years, I have to focus on myself and what I need to do to regain my happiness.  I have always been such an upbeat and happy person until the last few years.  Next post I will share what has happened and how I feel about it.

Netflix Addiction


Recently my husband and I love Netflix!   At the touch of a button we have all the movies and TV series we could want.  We also realized that we could watch on our laptop!  So, we have  devised over the course of many weekends, a system as my husband puts it. (One of his favorite words) 

Let me describe in detail so you can appreciate the situation.  First, we put the laptop on a “bed table”.  I don’t really know where it came from and I don’t ask.  Next, we have borrowed, or stolen one of the kid’s small amplifiers that they use in their band for our surround sound effect.  We put the little table in the middle of the bed with the laptop on top.  It sits about eye level, if one is half sitting, half lying on the bed.  So we achieve this by stacking our pillows behind us as to keep us in the right position for optimum viewing pleasure.  Then the amp is placed behind the little table on the bed.  All cables skillfully connected by my husband and routed to the appropriate outlets.  The volume is determined by the level of noise coming from the rest of the house.  Whatever it takes to hear nothing but the movie in play.  Now it goes without saying that we outfit ourselves in the most comfortable and unattractive clothing we own.  Next we have the snacks.  We buy and hide all our favorite snacks.  Including and not excluding the following.  Pepsi or Coke, popcorn, candy, chips, various and sundry sandwiches, assorted nuts (for Carlos), Mexican food (Betos, carnitas only), toast and a special herbal tea mix that I have renamed “pooping tea” which we drink after we both have heartburn

So, every Friday night we wait for all the kids to leave the house.  As soon as the last chick has left the nest we spring into action.  Each of us knows our assignments.  Within 10 minutes we are poised and overwhelmed with the anticipation of an uninterrupted few hours of watching, relaxing and snacking.  We breathe a collective sigh and push play.  Pure bliss it is!  We dare say the outfit rivals any expensive theatre room.  

One night Carlitos (my oldest) came home early and opened the door to find us thus perched.  He surveyed the situation, exclaimed that our sound system was in fact his, and then shook his head and left.

In recent weeks the movie viewing has extended to Sundays as well.  We aren’t proud of this.  Last Sunday Carlos discovered a TV series (which will remain undisclosed at this time) we started with the first episode.  We were hooked.  Since netflicks allows you to view a season in one sitting, that is what we did.  We started at 5 pm and ended the season at ….yes 3 am.   Pushing pause only for bathroom breaks and restocking of snacks. I believe the kids came in at one point, we may have talked to them, I don’t remember.  For the record, I protested at about episode 6 and said we should quit and go to sleep.  But when Carlos gets focused…well you know!  Those that know me, know that I can’t be left out of the fun at any cost, so I was his wing woman until almost dawn.  After the final show ended I said; “This is getting out of control!  We have laid here for 10 hours!  My back hurts and I can’t see past an arm’s length!”

The next morning our girls called me to the kitchen.  Cristal said “Mom…we need to talk.  You and Dad are out of control with your little Netflix dates.  Alisa said “Ya…you two need to get a life.  Go to the gym, take a walk,  get yourselves together!”

So, we know we have a problem. We feel admitting it is progress.  However, we are not yet committed to abandoning our addiction completely.  So if you need us on Friday or Sunday nights…forget it… unless you want us to move over and make room for you.  BYOS (Bring your own snacks)

Menopausal Psychosis

I had always heard that Menopause was gonna be rough.  However, I never thought too much about it.  I remember a few people mentioning something about hot flashes and a dry vaginal area and not having to worry about birth control anymore. (Praise the Lord!)

Little did I know the terror that awaited me! Nobody told me all the gory details of the symptoms, changes, and mental illness that would ensue. I have coined the term, as far as I can tell, “Menopausal Psychosis.” This is a real condition!  No doctor ever let on, or at least my male doctor didn't feel it necessary to warn me.  I feel this is a horrific infraction. I could have been saved from wondering what the hell was going on with me! A little heads up would have been helpful. 

Nobody warned me that as my body started into “the change,” I basically had the sex drive of a 16 year old boy. No well mannered lady talks about this, so here I go.  It was as if my reproductive organs sensed their impending doom and ramped up into overdrive in anticipation.  My husband, who you would think would be thrilled, literally hid from me for the better part of 2 years.  He would walk past me in the hall and say…”I can’t do it again today!”  I would say “what?! I didn’t say anything!” “Its that look,” he would mutter under his breath.  Too much of a good thing can be exhausting apparently.  In his defense he was very accommodating but, I was out of control.  I thought to myself many times, “what is going on with me?” The beast was unleashed.  

Then as those symptoms faded, new much less enjoyable ones began.  I did get those hot flashes, but not as badly as some.  Yes, you feel like your in a sauna and it creeps up all of the sudden.  Sometimes followed by the feeling that you're going to faint and that’s always a thrill.  Oh and I had the heart palpitations to accompany the heat! One night my husband and I were in bed talking and the flash hit, and hit hard! I jumped out of bed (which never happens at the speed at which I managed it this particular night) and in 2.2 seconds I was standing there in my birthday suit.  Carlos looked shocked and intrigued all at the same time.  I saw where this was going, so I informed him that we were now in a different stage of the change and the beast was gone. 

But the worst symptoms are anxiety and depression.  Where do you ever get educated on that?  I never knew that that would be part of the experience. I just thought my life was over and I was literally going crazy.  Then, as the storm started to get better I saw an article about how anxiety and depression was the number one symptom of menopause. And I had it in abundance.  When I read this new tidbit I threw the iPad (gently) and yelled, “Why didn’t anybody tell me this???!!!!” I proceeded to go on a rant that was one for the books.  “So I’m not crazy?????” The few that heard me say this disagreed quietly.  If I would have known this, life would have at least made sense if not been easier.

There were many days that I could not drive to the grocery store.  I didn’t want to leave the house.  All I wanted to do was watch Netflix and eat, and I did. I would get in a mood that was so unbearable that my children would send me to my room! They would sweetly say, “Ok Mom, why don’t you go up to your room and rest for awhile.” I had no patience for anyone. The dirty looks I gave people on the daily were frightening.  I swore like a sailor when driving and feared no one and nothing….in a bad way. Once I told one of my kid’s friends that I hated him when I first met him.  He choked on the snack he had just grabbed from my pantry and my girl’s jaws dropped simultaneously. I was an embarrassment continually, that’s what I was told anyway.

I gained weight at a startling rate.  Becoming heavier than I’d ever been. The chub that grew in my stomach area which I affectionately call “the apron” is the bane of my existence.  I remember the first time I became aware of it.  I bent over to get something and thought I had left a small pillow in my lap. I would catch a glimpse of myself in a window or mirror and wonder who the fatty was. How did I get these “Lunch Lady” arms? Suddenly wearing a short sleeve shirt was horrifying.  Even my calves got fat! I know this for sure because I asked the young man in the shoe store and he confirmed it. I couldn’t believe that even my calves were affected!  Oh and don’t get me started on the boob area! These puppies take serious weaponry to keep them contained! Even with the best bra money can buy, it’s still questionable whether they are actually contained or not.

I was a mess. Feeling more insecure and hopeless than I’d ever experienced.  I started to dream of taking off for a year after I saw Eat Pray Love.  My husband wishes I’d never seen that movie. Whenever my husband would get on my nerves (which was all the time) I would threaten to “Eat Pray Love.”  It took him awhile before he figured out what I was talking about and would just laugh at me. The closest I’ve come, is driving down to the gas station in a huff, and drinking a Pepsi alone in my car. I seriously thought about how I would do it….. sometimes I still do.  I vow that I will go on a pilgrimage sometime in the future! The problem is didn’t she have to take a vow of silence for like a week? That may prove difficult!

Yes, my poor uninformed friends.  Menopause is a bitch!  (Excuse my language.)  I wish I would have consulted a FEMALE doctor and prepared myself.  I know there are things that can help, but how would I know, I white knuckled it.  I am throwing out that tidbit for all you poor dears that are approaching it or in the thick of it.  Get help! If not for you, for the sake of your family and friends!