Transformation

This blog is going to be about taking back my happiness.  I will tell the story in my way and in my words.  I have learned so much in the last few years.  I won’t share this on social media.  If you find this then I hope you will get something from it.  The reason I’m not sharing this is because I want to write without worrying what my family or friends think.   It’s easier for me to be honest this way.

As I start my transformation I am realizing so many things about myself.  I realize that my happiness is in my hands and my hands only.  For too long I’ve looked to others to make me happy.  I’ve put all my hopes and dreams in other people’s hands. I thought my husband and my kids would make me happy.  That their actions and choices would show how wonderful I was, or make my life worth it, or show that I was worthy.

As I have experienced the loss of everything I thought my life and family would be, I have been so lost.  Feeling disconnected from what I felt so connected to all my life.  When you have this picture of what your life will be and if you do certain things life will turn out a certain way and then it doesn’t  it is so devastating  and confusing.  I guess lost is the right word.  

Maybe all this has happened to help me finally see me.  With so much of what I had hoped for gone, it is helping me see me for maybe the first time in my life.  What do I want? How do I feel?  What am I capable of? What do I want the rest of my life to be like? Perhaps I have lived my life pleasing others.  Trying to not be my Mother’s daughter. Trying to compensate for the shame I felt as a little girl.  I think I’ve been running from that all my life. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and that has affected more of my life than I ever wanted to admit.

So as  my idea of the perfect family and marriage and life crumbles, I’m forced to make sense of it. Don’t worry, no one has died, just my vision of what things would look like have.  As I dig myself out of the depression I have been in for the last several years, I have to focus on myself and what I need to do to regain my happiness.  I have always been such an upbeat and happy person until the last few years.  Next post I will share what has happened and how I feel about it.